Gremlins Online!

Your home for all things Gremlins

I have a toaster. It has become my nemesis.

I have a toaster.

Actually it isn’t just A toaster, it is THE toaster that I dreamed of when I married my wife. It was exactly the one I wanted us to have. Let me clarify: I wanted this toaster, she didn’t care. My “techie toaster” as she called it was all that was at the forefront of my brain as I was married. (aside from spending the rest of my life with a beautiful and forgiving wife that will not murder me for blog posts….I hope) I am pretty sure I rushed the ceremonies to simply get to the gift opening portion of the day to bask in the unadulterated glory which was my toaster. (The photo is a stock picture of the toaster we own, I assure you the reality is far from that beautiful after 6 years of abuse and would not be disgraced with bagels.)

Skip forward 6 years now. I woke up this morning with a dire craving, nay a NEED for waffles. I went and pulled the delightful blueberry Eggo waffles from the freezer, and as I loaded the 4-slot toaster I came to two disturbing realizations.

  1. There are 10 waffles in the box.
  2. There are 4 slots in the toaster.

I lowered my four waffles into the chrome slots with a certain hesitation, as I now understood why I lay awake at night.

I will have two waffles left over when all is said and done. This is an issue that must be resolved lest the earth hurtle into the sun.

There was no way around it, I wanted to eat my waffles but the cruel Eggo corporation decided to play a cruel joke to eviscerate my dreams of consistent 4 waffle breakfasts.
First, I toyed with the idea of making only 2 waffles, but then I determined that would be a waste of my toaster’s toasting prowess. If you feel I am being unreasonable, then take two wheels off your car and see how things go on your morning commute.

Of course I then began drawing up a schematic for a 10-slot toaster, however my complete lack of technical knowledge in the toaster industry meant that this turned into little more than me changing my plan into drawing rainbows and unicorns on the paper. This pleased me, but I then remembered another disturbing aspect of my life…

I cannot draw.
(click on the picture to see a bigger version of the wretched abortion that was an initial attempt at a toaster.)

My rainbows and unicorns, as awesome in concept as they may be, turned out to be a few squiggly lines and something that vaguely resembled a circle with a grid. (I believe that was meant to be a waffle, however I am not sure what went through my diseased mind at this point.) This, I determined, was to be a dilemma to be solved later. Until then, denial will convince me that my art is super stellar.

The plan for a 10-slot toaste

r thwarted, I then began wracking my brain on why Eggo would possibly want to torture me so. The only reasoning I could come up with is things I had done in a possible past life. Maybe I was a ruthless dictator that committed genocide against billions of alien creatures named the Zybxral? Maybe I ate pork in a past life. Still, this punishment does not fit the crimes my past-mes had committed in my imagination.

So I stared at my by-now cooked waffles, topped with a light coating of butter and realize that one is missing…my son decided to assist me in my mental psychosis and remove one of the troublesome waffles and was contendedly munching away on it while grinning like a maniac.

This did not help things, as I now am at an odd number which is just as mentally disconcerting as having a strange remainder of toast.

I am unable to consume my tasty breakfast due to the anxiety caused by my waffle-induced existential quandary. Numerous past lives are now attempting to burst through to the present reality, my concept of numbers and remainders are tainted with a crispy blueberry treat.

I think I shall return to watching romper room for the rest of the morning, and then tackle the waffle dilemma later on in the week. Hopefully I shall forget completely this project as I do most things with which I get momentarily obsessed.

I do have a taste for waffles though….

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10 responses to “I have a toaster. It has become my nemesis.

  1. Gizmolover November 7, 2010 at 11:03 am

    i made a little clip with a gremlin and a ray of light. ( keep in mind it is just a loop of 0.9 seconds.

  2. Rich November 4, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Hey there! Wondered if there was some way I could contact you privately. Just a little project I wondered if I could discuss. Thanks!
    -Rich Morris

  3. Gizmolover October 29, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    i see you updated the website to make us happy. now i never want a english-muffin ever again.

  4. Tribit October 29, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Why has there never been a forum added to this site? So people could actually discuss the movies/props/etc? Maybe you could get Sacha to post there too..

    And how is his video not related? It isn’t any different from the Gremlins getting killed in the movies? And it would still get a PG-13 rating as far as I’m concerned. And it would obviously make for a better post then something about a toaster or a videogame vehicle being called Gremlin..

    • JP Cupertino November 1, 2010 at 11:02 am

      I primarily was referring to the gratiutious violence and vulgarity used in the animation as inappropriate. The video is very well done but not something I feel is appropriate for the site. In the end it comes down to my decision of what is/isn’t appropriate, and I just think it is not in the “spirit” of the films is all. I am not knocking the video or its production/creativity at all, and I wish I could make something half as awesome.

      The reason for the other posts that are not-gremlins related twofold: 1. to prevent being simply a page full of links to “cool gremlin fan stuff people have done” and 2. It keeps people entertained while waiting for real gremlins news. (the primary purpose of the site)
      I suppose a third thing is it keeps me interested. I get frustrated personally when there is a lack of information online in regards to Gremlins or any movement in the films so to remain entertained myself, I like to make rants and barely tangentially related posts.

      Keep in mind not everyone wants every post to be the same type content. in fact I have gotten more complaints about the recent influx of fan videos compared to the number of unique or interesting posts than I have about anything else.

      Finally the reason for the halo post is because I thought it was neat, and any of you gremlins fans have thought the same thing when someone references Gremlins, even when not related to the films! Whenever I go to the video store and my eye catches the kids’ movie “Woo-Hoo! Wiggly Gremlins” I stop for a moment to do a double-take. It just is how many fan’s brains work.

      Again I wish I could post the most awesomest site in the world that everyone would hold hands and love it forever with rainbows and unicorns (Better drawn than mine of course) but in reality, everyone wants something different so in the end, I do stuff to entertain me, and hopefully you when all is said and done.

      however, in all seriousness, thank you for your input, I do appreciate all the criticisms and ideas you all offer, they can only help shape Gremlins Online! into a more awesome site!

  5. sam October 27, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Man, I’m sorry to say that but… What the hell is happening to Gremlins Online ? Since when do we get a REAL news about the gremlins ?

    “{FOGO} Black Nerd Comedy -7 Things I Hate About Mario” Ok but… nothing to do with gremlins

    “You got Gremlins in my Halo!” They name their vehicle “gremlin”… but do you really think it’s a reference to the movie ?

    “I have a toaster. It has become my nemesis.” Is that Twitter ? Or Gremlins online ?

    Are you so desperate to find real news ? If you look around, you’ll find real news :

    for example Jim McPherson, who made some puppets for Gremlins 2, posted on his facebook old pictures of his work on George, also a story board of a deleted scene.
    http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?aid=2010948&id=1095121723

    The figure Mohawk-spider was for sale this october (unfortunatly already sold !)

    The figure Mohawk mogwai is now available :

    http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Gremlins-2-MOGWAI-MOHAWK-Custom-Action-Figure-/380282531047?pt=UK_Toys_Creative_Educational_RL&hash=item588a9aece7

    And once again, I’m reposting my videos, which is starting getting popular (sorry to insist, but I worked to hard on it to let it pass !) :

    Don’t despair man, if you search for it, you’ll find cool Gremlins stuff.

    • JP Cupertino October 27, 2010 at 2:26 pm

      Part of the fun of running your own blog/website is putting whatever the hell I want on it. It is a blast!
      The problem is if I am going to post anything off of someone else’s blog or facebook I need permission.
      As for your video, I have been toying with the idea of posting it, and I have to say it is very nice, however I do not feel it belongs on Gremlins Online, as it really isn’t appropriate for the audience we have. (and the other people watching this site as well)
      I have had a lot of various fan arts and such submitted I have passed on for various reasons, but the biggest is content. I try my best to keep things posted and promoted around the same rating as the films, which is PG-13.

      In regards to the non-gremlins posts, there really isn’t anything going on in the gremlins side of things. Sure some interesting stuff pops up on ebay from time to time, but I try to only focus on the legitimate products from the films or extremely high quality fan projects. (example being Sacha’s gremlins created for the commercial, however those were authorized so I suppose they are “Real Fan Made”?) As much as I would like to see a Gremlins 3, things are not looking great anymore since no one really wants to put a significant amount of financial backing into the franchise to get it where it needs to be to bring back the success of the first film. Fact is, the merchandise is not selling where it matters and from the people I have spoken with, it makes it look like people don’t really care about gremlins anymore. (we know this is not true, but it is how the people who make decisions see things when they see gizmo on clearance at many stores.)

      The black nerd posts I find funny, and he regularly discusses or features Gremlins in his comedy, which I would say is quite unique. Heck, look at his site and see the gremlins all over the place, let alone the adventures of Gangsta Gizmo.

      Sorry you don’t like some of the posts. Wait, not really. They entertained me, and a few others I spoke to so that is good enough for me. Hopefully when more interesting Gremlins-related things come up you will be happier. If you find something of interest, please let me know and I’ll take a look. I am easily contacted through this site or various other means as well.

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